Monday, November 21, 2011

You can’t Change her, you have to Embrace her.

Man & Woman Embracing On The Beach

So today I am talking to a good male friend of mine. He mentions that he recently had talks with some women about being in love and things of that nature. One of the things he took away from the conversation is that women fall in love with the men who can accept them as they are and never expect them to change. I responded with, “I agree to some extent, but not completely”. I explained that though I believe that it’s true that loving them as they are is a huge factor and is important, but how can anybody feel like we can’t expect them to ever change. I mean, we all have flaws and things we need to improve. Relationships involve two different people and in order to truly create and maintain a happy & fulfilling environment that there will naturally be some adjustments that have to be made. So we discussed it some more then when about our business.

As the day went along, and I can’t even lie, even during the whole conversation I felt this issue weighing heavy on my heart. It’s like I felt guilty and my response was simply a subconscious attempt to validate and justify how I have handled things at times in the past. I started to really process the whole concept and I started to feel like maybe I really have gotten this wrong. When I really got down to it, the whole concept is not at all different from what I say in my relationship book How To Get A Married Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband. So why haven’t I fully applied this, or fully embraced it in some of my situations. The answer is simple, and it is the same reason I feel it would be very difficult for a married man to write my book. When you’re in the actual battle, you just don’t always see things as clearly as you should. You become so caught up in what you’re trying to achieve that you become blinded by winning this “war” without paying attention to all the casualties along the way. So I have had my moment of clarity and I would like to share it.

We as men need to stop trying to change our women by OUR means. We need to accept and realize that insults, complaining, dwelling on the negative, and playing games does not help us achieve the results we are hoping for. Women are not built like us, so though these methods make some level of sense in our head, it only causes damage to our women. You contribute to insecurities and negatively impact her ability to feel comfortable with you. She may already know she has these issues, but your persistence to kind of rub it in her face only pushes her further away from you. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean you can’t express your desires or what you would like from her. You just need to love her properly regardless of her making that change as fast as you would like it, and trust that your love will give her the fuel she needs to make the necessary corrections. Focus on loving her for who she is, and let GOD/Love push her to become what you need her to be.  

In the end I know this is hard, but trust it is what’s best. We have to accept that we can’t change her, only she can change herself. We can only contribute to facilitating an environment to promote it or hinder  it. The better we understand our women, the more we can contribute to having better relationships. A woman has a hard enough time bringing down her walls and letting a man in. Let’s stop giving her more reasons to keep those walls up, and do what we need to do to destroy the same walls that stop us from being able to enjoy the love that we men and our women deserve.    

Side Note: Don’t do this simply for the sake of triggering a change. Do this because it is what she deserves. You can be one of her greatest sources of joy, or one of her greatest sources of pain. It is completely up to you to decide which one you will be.

Book Giveaway!!!

How To Get A Married Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband
I will be giving away a free signed copy of my relationship book How To Get A Married Woman To Have Sex With You...If You're Her Husband to one randomly selected individual that meets the following criteria:

1. You have "liked" my facebook page:

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So spread the word, and below you can view my book trailer. Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

There’s A Reason Your Husband Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You:

no sex
So I’m browsing the internet  looking to see what pops up when I Google my book “How To Get A Married Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband”. I come across this article titled Reasons Why A Husband Does Not Want To Have Sex With His Wife. I figured I’d give it a read since it is an issue I have been asked about, and plan to touch on in my next book in the series. It was very interesting to see what was listed as the reasons and there was a lot of truth to it. I decided I wanted to do a blog on this topic and put in my two cents. So below, I will list the reasons the article stated and respond with my view to it.


1.     He is depressed and not feeling like he wants to have sex: I don’t know about you, a lot of men I know would love some sex when they’re feeling down. Hell, part of his depression is probably due to lack of sex lol. Now I’m not saying there isn’t some level of truth to this but I believe it is deeper than that. In a lot of cases he may be using his “depression” as an excuse because there are other more genuine reasons why he doesn’t want to “tap that ass” : ). I have seen men get into a “funk” and not want to be bothered with anything. I do believe that many can still be seduced into “giving it up” lol if you know the right buttons to push. Sidenote: if he is clinically depressed then that is a completely different story and that should be tended to accordingly

2.     He is no longer attracted to his wife: now this I completely agree with. The article mentions how nagging, always putting him down, and just being an overall BIATCH (I figured the “iatch” would make the word less vulgar) contributes to a man desiring his wife less. She also correctly points out that weight gain, and changes in appearance contribute to the issue. I know a lot of women & some men like to believe or think that love should be unconditional and not contingent on how much you weigh, and your right. The problem isn’t love though, its sex and sex for a lot of men is not as connected to love as it is for women. A man can love you forever, but putting on many undesirable pounds of weight (key word undesirable, become some men may like the extra weight) will make it harder for him to sexually desire you. So please do not get the two confused. Also, if your going to throw unconditional love in his/her face then look in the mirror and ask yourself why your love for him/her and for yourself isn’t strong enough to want to look your best or at least do a better job of looking good and staying healthy. Let that thought marinate :  ).

3.     He may be having an affair: unfortunately I would have to agree that this is a possibility. I do not think it is the reason you should first explore, but when all else fails then this should be looked at. I cannot condone a cheating on your wife for any reason. I can though raise the point that if he is having one, there is a good chance that your actions or lack thereof have contributed to this occurring. Before you get all up in arms, I want to reiterate that an affair is never right. We just as people have to be willing to be accountable for how we contributed to the issue. I believe if the other reasons that have been listed and will be listed in this blog are remedied than it will go a long way in decreasing the chances of an affair occurring. That person is dead wrong for stepping outside the marriage, but you have to accept that you are also dead wrong for not being the wife/husband that you are supposed to be and that they needed you to be. Side Note: the affair he may be having might be with himself. As in masturbation people. If he is engaging in that too much, it can definitely contribute to him feeling less concerned with initiating or accepting sexual contact with you. So that may need to be discussed.

4.     He could be gay: Or maybe you turned him gay?...No. I personally do not believe a woman can turn a man into being gay. He probably always had desires that he hasn’t known what to do with, or just flat out living a double life that you were completely unaware of. Either way, it has nothing to do with the woman in my personal opinion. With that said, yes this reason could be true but again I believe it should be one of the last reasons you explore. Let me add that if you choose to openly use the gay card, and you’re wrong, you can do a lot of damage to your marriage. So please, even if you’re thinking it, be very careful in how you look into it. Because if you wrongly accuse him you may end up with a new issue on your hands.

5.     He has an undiagnosed medical condition: Yeah it’s called “imsickandtiredofherass-asitis” : ). Seriously, I do not want to dismiss the possibility of there actually being a medical condition. The article mentions a few possibilities, and if the man honestly can’t put his finger on what the problem is then definitely go get checked out. Now let’s revisit “imsickandtiredofherass-asitis”. Understand that if you have been married for many years, and you have repeatedly shut this man down when he wanted sex, you can’t expect that now that you’re ready to be consistent that he is going to be all over it. You have programmed him for letdown, disappointment, and/or very mediocre sex that wasn’t that worth it when he finally did get it from you. That can very well put him in a place where he just doesn’t care much anymore. He doesn’t want to bother with the process or lackluster results. He may then turn to other ways of getting his satisfaction (see #3). One way or the other it is not a good thing and you’re going to have to put in some consistent work to change his programming.

6.     Weight gain and unhealthy eating: this is absolutely true. It is a fact that higher fat percentages can lower a man’s libido. If he is gaining weight and eating bad, then he is probably out of shape and therefore is too tired to deal with sex regularly (too much work). Throw in the fact that a man’s testosterone levels start to decrease after a certain age and that only makes it worse. I definitely believe if you can get him to buy into taking better care of himself and getting in better shape, that it will increase the desire for sexual activity and his ability to perform at a higher level.


Last but not least:


7.     You’re not as good as you think you are: Sorry to drop that bomb on you ladies, but it needs to be said. The article I read did not include this reason but I’m trying to be as honest with you as possible. Society constantly talks about a man’s lack of performance, and jokes about it all the time (I admit it can be amusing at times lol sorry guys).When it comes to women, you really don’t hear it as much, but that doesn’t mean the problem isn’t as real. I understand that some men don’t need much to be satisfied sexually, but when you’re married and been together for a while, those sub par performances eventually just aren’t going to cut it. It is time to step your game up, throw in some new moves, and do some more things that he will like but isn’t used to you doing. One thing can be to show more passion and be more into it. I understand that how much your into it has a lot to do with what he is or isn’t doing (in and out the bedroom), but you have got to try to be more passionate and engaged in the experience. It’s great that you are now at a point where you want more sex, but the key is having more good sex. This will give him the push he needs to be more consistent, and desire you more, as well as help keep you motivated and willing to participate.


So there you have it, I hope this sheds some light on the issue for the many of you suffering from this. There are a lot more women than we think that are dealing with this problem. It isn’t cool when a wife or husband is being sexually deprived. It can open doors to worse things and eventually destroy that marriage. So though I make jokes from time to time this is a serious issue that I would like to see improved. Better relationships will contribute to better marriages, which then contributes to a better society. Sex is an important part of that equation, so let’s do what’s necessary to make things right.